This is a relationship that never works. It is an age-old dilemma which is not limited to nation, culture, religion, caste or creed. It is the one of mother in law and daughter in law. Sure, there are a lucky few (I happen to be one of them!- sorry for rubbing it in!) who have a harmonious relationship with their mother in law but I do believe that it is as rare as finding gold, platinum and silver in one day. You might be civil with each other but deep down there is a burning desire to cause serious damage to the other, physical or emotional! I mean, why else would Hollywood dedicate a whole movie to the concept of an embattled mother and daughter in law relationship? Because they know that women can relate to this (I am referring to Monster in Law- if you haven't seen it, rent it and watch it...Jane Fonda is hilarious in it and J-Lo is actually tolerable).
I have to be honest though, sometimes daughter in laws are too quick to jump on the bandwagon of criticising their mother in laws. Some girls actually do go out of their way to make the lives of their mother in law a living hell. An acquaintance of ours, who is very elderly and lives alone, stated that her daughter-in-laws never come to see her. They found her to be a huge bore/burden. Her sons would come and meet her every Sunday with the kids, drop some shopping off, see if their mother was still alive and would just leave. One son in particular would just open the door, say hello and leave. It had been a long time since their father had died. So, when the elderly lady decided to re-marry a widower, all hell broke loose among the sons. They were all livid that their mother would even contemplate getting married again; a particular son made very vulgar comments to his own mother because she wanted to get married. All she said was "How often do you come to see your own mother?".She was lonely! I am digressing now, but the point is that her own daughter in laws could not be bothered to come and visit their mother-in-law. Why? She was elderly, she needed their help. This was the same mother that held their husbands for nine months, gave birth, looked after, fed, clothed, washed their husbands, educated them to become successful doctors or engineers which gave them the ability to afford the cushy lives they were living. They wouldn't want their own sons or daughters to behave that way with them then why do it to your mother-in-law? More importantly, it was sad the sons couldn't have enough sense to look after their own mother. But you have to agree that it is the daughter-in-law's duty to remind her husband of his duty towards his mother. They should have made an extra effort to include their mother in their lives rather than ousting her as some sort of burden.
I felt very sad for that lady when she told our story. As the tears rolled down her face, she said she found patience and calm in Islam and praying to Allah (SWT). It was really the only strength in her life. Although her sons/bahu's had behaved reprehensibly towards her, she was still very happy because her second husband was kind and gentle towards her. They both completed each other very well.
This is just one example that I personally know of. There are many others. I find most of the time that daughter in laws behave reprehensibly towards their in-laws is because they don't like interference or being told what to do by an authority figure in the house. There is a clash of two big personalities. While the wife tries to adjust to the new home by making changes around her, the mother in law prefers things to remain the way they are; to remain in her comfort zone. Also, the mother in law notices changes in her son's behaviour which make her susceptible to demanding more time with him. She notices that her son, instead of spending time with her as he used to, is being more attentive to his new wife.
The tension is perfectly understandable. It can be hard for a mother to see her daughter married and leave the house but it can be even harder for a mother to see her son become more distant from her even when he is living in the same house. Realising this can be hard for daughter in laws. She should try her hardest to maintain communication at all times with her MIL. She should listen to her quietly even if she is saying something that you vehemently disagree with. As annoying and cliched as it sounds, patience and quiet servitude does pay off.
Now most of the time, the majority opinion seems to be that mother- in- laws are the ones in the wrong. This can be seen in most Hollywood/Bollywood movies or comedies like Everybody Loves Raymond! How annoying was the MIL in that show?!? Also, let's not forget the numerous news reports of MIL's attempting to burn their DIL's alive, or beating them within an inch of their life (with the help of their sons) and either getting away with it, or being arrested and jailed. There is a woman's-only jail in India dedicated to MIL's who have tried to harm their DIL's or actually killed them! That can scare a woman for life!
Of course, the difference in a MIL intent on killing her DIL and one that isn't is education, tolerance, acceptance and pure sanity! Some MIL's can be really vindictive because they went through the same experience when they got married. Or they have a very strong grip in their son's personality and can easily manipulate him by bringing on the waterworks when things go awry for them. Because I am not a MIL myself, I really can't comment on why these women behave in this manner. What possesses them to deprive their sons of happiness and peace in their home. I guess, it's just a mother's warped way of preventing her offspring from abandoning her. Personally, being a DIL myself, I actually side more with DIL's who go through difficult times with their in-laws, not because I agree with them, but because I don't know any better!
My MIL always gives me the best advice and is honest with me no matter what. Also, she provides me with the Islamic viewpoint on everything I do in life, so I can keep personal sentiment aside and do what pleases Allah (SWT). Girls, I am afraid, Islamically speaking, the mother trumps the wife (and rightly so!!). Allah (SWT) has told his creation to be kind to their parents and to look after them in their old age and as we all know "Heaven lies in the Mother's feet". Sure, a husband does have duties to his wife; but if his mother tells him to do something (even if the wife dislikes it) then he has to do it. This doesn't mean that the MIL should get high on this new-found source of authority; but should instead, take everyone's views into consideration (including the DIL's) and then do what is just. Also, she shouldn't make fabrications about her DIL's behaviour and fill her son's head with them because lies of any kind are strictly forbidden. Also, if she has an issue with her DIL, rather then go behind her back and discuss it with the whole neighbourhood, she should just confront her DIL and tell her directly, because backbiting of any kind is strictly forbidden.
I know it's early days in my marriage but my MIL and I have a very close relationship. That's because I don't like to gossip about others and neither does she. Although many visitors try to coax any kind of detail out of her about her relationship with me, she keeps everything very tight-lipped and never divulges what goes on in her home. I think our relationship works because my MIL is a very God-fearing woman. She does not care for the worldly life or the glitter/glamour it has to offer. For this reason, she knows very well how to behave towards other people because she fears Allah (SWT) if she does things wrong. Additionally, she is a very fair and just woman who will always favour justice over blood, even if it means upsetting her loved ones. She ensures everyone in the house is happy, comfortable, fed and spends an equal amount of time with everyone. If she doesn't like the way I dress or if I do something which she doesn't like, she very calmly explains to me the Islamic method of dress and behaviour; but she never does it in a condescending manner and I don't come out feeling stupid but better from the experience. I actually lived without her for about 9 months! but I did miss her a lot during that time. Her opinion and say in my life actually means a lot to me.
The point is that how you treat people is how they will treat you back. If you show them respect and love then they will (eventually) warm to you. Everyone on this planet is different and we should try and harbour and support relationships that generally have a bad reputation rather than denigrate them even more. Sometimes I find, gossiping aunties usually like to add fuel to the fire by poking fun at bitter MIL's about how "modern" their DIL or how "rude" they are; which in turn makes these MIL's angrier and more bitter. The key is to expunge such people from your life completely. Most of these aunties have a similar hellish situation at home or have evil DIL's, but want everyone to experience their pain by spreading rumors, gossiping, backstabbing and backbiting profusely. They wish to spread Hellfire wherever they go. It is a very dangerous sin and one that is done so often.
To conclude, life is short, don't shorten it more by giving yourself blood pressure because of the antics of your MIL/DIL. Fear Allah about anything/anyone else (including MIL!! lol) and always remember that justice will be done for those who remain patient.
Now, I know some of you are thinking, "well what about sister-in-laws?" well....that my friends, is going to be a topic for another day...
Wishing all new brides the best of luck for the future! Keep smiling and remaining positive!
I have to be honest though, sometimes daughter in laws are too quick to jump on the bandwagon of criticising their mother in laws. Some girls actually do go out of their way to make the lives of their mother in law a living hell. An acquaintance of ours, who is very elderly and lives alone, stated that her daughter-in-laws never come to see her. They found her to be a huge bore/burden. Her sons would come and meet her every Sunday with the kids, drop some shopping off, see if their mother was still alive and would just leave. One son in particular would just open the door, say hello and leave. It had been a long time since their father had died. So, when the elderly lady decided to re-marry a widower, all hell broke loose among the sons. They were all livid that their mother would even contemplate getting married again; a particular son made very vulgar comments to his own mother because she wanted to get married. All she said was "How often do you come to see your own mother?".She was lonely! I am digressing now, but the point is that her own daughter in laws could not be bothered to come and visit their mother-in-law. Why? She was elderly, she needed their help. This was the same mother that held their husbands for nine months, gave birth, looked after, fed, clothed, washed their husbands, educated them to become successful doctors or engineers which gave them the ability to afford the cushy lives they were living. They wouldn't want their own sons or daughters to behave that way with them then why do it to your mother-in-law? More importantly, it was sad the sons couldn't have enough sense to look after their own mother. But you have to agree that it is the daughter-in-law's duty to remind her husband of his duty towards his mother. They should have made an extra effort to include their mother in their lives rather than ousting her as some sort of burden.
I felt very sad for that lady when she told our story. As the tears rolled down her face, she said she found patience and calm in Islam and praying to Allah (SWT). It was really the only strength in her life. Although her sons/bahu's had behaved reprehensibly towards her, she was still very happy because her second husband was kind and gentle towards her. They both completed each other very well.
This is just one example that I personally know of. There are many others. I find most of the time that daughter in laws behave reprehensibly towards their in-laws is because they don't like interference or being told what to do by an authority figure in the house. There is a clash of two big personalities. While the wife tries to adjust to the new home by making changes around her, the mother in law prefers things to remain the way they are; to remain in her comfort zone. Also, the mother in law notices changes in her son's behaviour which make her susceptible to demanding more time with him. She notices that her son, instead of spending time with her as he used to, is being more attentive to his new wife.
The tension is perfectly understandable. It can be hard for a mother to see her daughter married and leave the house but it can be even harder for a mother to see her son become more distant from her even when he is living in the same house. Realising this can be hard for daughter in laws. She should try her hardest to maintain communication at all times with her MIL. She should listen to her quietly even if she is saying something that you vehemently disagree with. As annoying and cliched as it sounds, patience and quiet servitude does pay off.
Now most of the time, the majority opinion seems to be that mother- in- laws are the ones in the wrong. This can be seen in most Hollywood/Bollywood movies or comedies like Everybody Loves Raymond! How annoying was the MIL in that show?!? Also, let's not forget the numerous news reports of MIL's attempting to burn their DIL's alive, or beating them within an inch of their life (with the help of their sons) and either getting away with it, or being arrested and jailed. There is a woman's-only jail in India dedicated to MIL's who have tried to harm their DIL's or actually killed them! That can scare a woman for life!
Of course, the difference in a MIL intent on killing her DIL and one that isn't is education, tolerance, acceptance and pure sanity! Some MIL's can be really vindictive because they went through the same experience when they got married. Or they have a very strong grip in their son's personality and can easily manipulate him by bringing on the waterworks when things go awry for them. Because I am not a MIL myself, I really can't comment on why these women behave in this manner. What possesses them to deprive their sons of happiness and peace in their home. I guess, it's just a mother's warped way of preventing her offspring from abandoning her. Personally, being a DIL myself, I actually side more with DIL's who go through difficult times with their in-laws, not because I agree with them, but because I don't know any better!
My MIL always gives me the best advice and is honest with me no matter what. Also, she provides me with the Islamic viewpoint on everything I do in life, so I can keep personal sentiment aside and do what pleases Allah (SWT). Girls, I am afraid, Islamically speaking, the mother trumps the wife (and rightly so!!). Allah (SWT) has told his creation to be kind to their parents and to look after them in their old age and as we all know "Heaven lies in the Mother's feet". Sure, a husband does have duties to his wife; but if his mother tells him to do something (even if the wife dislikes it) then he has to do it. This doesn't mean that the MIL should get high on this new-found source of authority; but should instead, take everyone's views into consideration (including the DIL's) and then do what is just. Also, she shouldn't make fabrications about her DIL's behaviour and fill her son's head with them because lies of any kind are strictly forbidden. Also, if she has an issue with her DIL, rather then go behind her back and discuss it with the whole neighbourhood, she should just confront her DIL and tell her directly, because backbiting of any kind is strictly forbidden.
I know it's early days in my marriage but my MIL and I have a very close relationship. That's because I don't like to gossip about others and neither does she. Although many visitors try to coax any kind of detail out of her about her relationship with me, she keeps everything very tight-lipped and never divulges what goes on in her home. I think our relationship works because my MIL is a very God-fearing woman. She does not care for the worldly life or the glitter/glamour it has to offer. For this reason, she knows very well how to behave towards other people because she fears Allah (SWT) if she does things wrong. Additionally, she is a very fair and just woman who will always favour justice over blood, even if it means upsetting her loved ones. She ensures everyone in the house is happy, comfortable, fed and spends an equal amount of time with everyone. If she doesn't like the way I dress or if I do something which she doesn't like, she very calmly explains to me the Islamic method of dress and behaviour; but she never does it in a condescending manner and I don't come out feeling stupid but better from the experience. I actually lived without her for about 9 months! but I did miss her a lot during that time. Her opinion and say in my life actually means a lot to me.
The point is that how you treat people is how they will treat you back. If you show them respect and love then they will (eventually) warm to you. Everyone on this planet is different and we should try and harbour and support relationships that generally have a bad reputation rather than denigrate them even more. Sometimes I find, gossiping aunties usually like to add fuel to the fire by poking fun at bitter MIL's about how "modern" their DIL or how "rude" they are; which in turn makes these MIL's angrier and more bitter. The key is to expunge such people from your life completely. Most of these aunties have a similar hellish situation at home or have evil DIL's, but want everyone to experience their pain by spreading rumors, gossiping, backstabbing and backbiting profusely. They wish to spread Hellfire wherever they go. It is a very dangerous sin and one that is done so often.
To conclude, life is short, don't shorten it more by giving yourself blood pressure because of the antics of your MIL/DIL. Fear Allah about anything/anyone else (including MIL!! lol) and always remember that justice will be done for those who remain patient.
Now, I know some of you are thinking, "well what about sister-in-laws?" well....that my friends, is going to be a topic for another day...
Wishing all new brides the best of luck for the future! Keep smiling and remaining positive!
boring topic but amazing define, i really like the way of yours xxxx Rocking Zaisha xxxx
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