Has Racism increased or are people getting caught?

Has racism increased or are people getting caught?

Over the past few months, the issue of racism has come to be at the forefront of many discussions.  There was the incident with the woman filmed being racially aggressive on a London tube journey which was aired on YouTube, the black MP who blurted out on Twitter that white people liked to ‘divide and rule’ and the various incidents of rude gestures and racially aggravating words being used in football. Has the issue of racism gone completely out of hand or is it starting to be better documented?

Let’s be brutally honest, racism does still exist in our society.  However, the only difference is that we now find it morally repugnant rather than acceptable in mainstream society.  There are laws in place to prevent overtly racist groups like the Ku Klux Klan and NF from preaching their message in public.  Gone are the days when landlords would put a sign up on their doors saying “No Wogs Allowed” or dog poo being put through front doors of Asian houses.  Now a person can dress, speak, walk or talk in any manner they like without being heckled in the street and instead people are quick to embrace the foods and cultures of people from all walks of life.  The Notting Hill Carnival, Birmingham Mela and Chinese New Year celebrations are ample evidence of this.

Nonetheless, no matter how much we believe society has progressed; racism is still there.  It has just gone underground.  Now that certain individuals and political groups realize that the word ‘Paki’ can’t be said to someone’s face, they have employed certain socio-economic policies like tackling immigration and crime as a way of justifying their deep-rooted racist views.  Additionally, now that people are feeling the squeeze on their wallet due to the recession, joblessness and benefit cuts are prompting people to find an easy scapegoat.   That is a psychological phenomenon, which has existed since time immemorial.  This is what prompted Hitler to pursue his devious plans of exterminating Jews in the Second World War.   The racist attitudes of Brits can also be seen from the wave of immigrants that arrived in the country in the 40s, 50s 60s, 70s and 80s e.g. Jews, blacks, Asians and Poles.  Each group brought a new target for those who felt their country was being looted by the undeserving people who moved to England to make a better life for them and their families.

Additionally, tabloid newspapers were very quick to fuel the fire towards promoting racist views and then very quick to condemn those who joined the BNP or behaved in a lout like manner.  It was extremely hypocritical and did nothing to ease the confusion in the minds of extremely racist people. 

Whether it is for reasons of scapegoating or political motives, racism is a disease on any society and one that can eat a person alive.  It may never be removed from our society but needs to be discussed openly and dealt with in a different manner.  Clearly people are frustrated by political correctness, immigration, joblessness and hordes of individuals who can’t speak a word of English taking benefits which should belong to other deserving people.  It is a matter which needs to be openly discussed before this ticking time bomb explodes and peoples lives are endangered.

Islam clearly prohibits any kind of discrimination based on race, age, gender or religion.  No man is better than another simply because they look different or believe in different ideals.  A man is known for his deeds rather than his demeanour or design.  Every living, breathing organism is created by Allah (SWT) and He never created ranks between men based on the colour of their skin.  Islam is very clear about the boundaries between right and wrong.  If you transgress, then you cannot be saved by the colour of your skin or your bank balance.  We are all truly equal in front of Allah (SWT).  Our Creator even warns us not to walk on the earth with pride as high as mountains (Quran).  Although he made humans superior amongst all creations, He has not made white people more favorable than black people. 

I clearly remember as a child doing Umrah and noticing black people walking amongst white and not being heckled or abused or told to walk behind the white people. Everyone walked together in harmony with the same purpose of religious salvation. I never really faced racism or understood it until I moved to Western countries where people looked at me strangely and called me racist words when I started covering my hair.  It was extremely upsetting and made me an extremely angry person but I didn’t want to waste my life in this bitterness. 

I clearly believe that unless and until we don’t submit ourselves to Allah (SWT), then our life will always be swaddled with some form of emotional or physical disease, be it racism, jealousy, rage, greed or lust.  This is exactly how the accursed shaitaan wants us to live our life and it is something we must strenuously strive towards avoiding.

Imm or Emi - it ain't all that grate

Immigration seems to be a very hot topic in England.  Now that the Conservative government has taken over from Labour, whose main downfall seems to be their lax attitude towards immigration, the matter has been swiftly dealt with and various measures have now been put in place which have made it more difficult to enter this country, for example, all spouses entering the country from jurisdictions where English is not the national language, have to take an English test and pass to qualify for entry.  Additionally, there are more strict interviews which take place and a person needs to know the basics about England like its capital, it’s national anthem etc.  Additionally, a person has to be residing in England for five years before they qualify to apply for a passport (although I am still not sure about that one!).

When people used to negatively talk about immigration, it used to anger me.  Mainly because I immigrated to England as well (from Saudi Arabia) and wasn’t born and brought up in this country, although my siblings were born here.  I used to get really vexed when people’s main qualms about immigration would be the lack of jobs being available on the market for the indigenous people as well as usurpation of other resources e.g. houses, water, electricity.  It is one of the main reasons why the British National Party has seen such a vociferous rise in its members; because they feed on people’s fear and worry for their country’s “culture” being whitewashed (literally).  The people of this country want their country to remain “British”. 

I never used to understand why there was so much anger towards these so-called “floodgates” of immigration being opened.  Isn’t that what the British did in other countries they conquered during the height of the British empire? Didn’t they nonchalantly enter countries like India, Australia, New Zealand, Canada, Jamaica etc and claim the land to be theirs? First proceeding to usurp the natural resources through vicious trade practices e.g. land tax, opium wars in India and trade of criminals in Australia, stealing of Koh-i-Noor in India, and then proceeding to take over the country with their “intellect” and heightened image of self-sufficiency.  They were making the uneducated more knowledgeable, the uncouth less reviled and making the masses more “civilized”.  There can be no denying that they did try and remove certain inhumane practices like banning the burning of widows at the funeral pyre of their husbands in India, as well as placing infrastructure like railroads and train stations in countries where transport was mainly by donkey cart or horseback.  However, apart from that, they did not express concern at the subjugation they made the conquered populace experience as well as the people they massacred when conquering their lands e.g. the Aboriginals in Canada and the Great Uprising of India in 1857.

Two world wars passed by and it was the people from the former colonies of Britain who came to their aid (including my grandfather who fought alongside the British in WWII).  What good came out of the war? Nothing.  London was cindered and a good proportion of Europe was devastated.  Who would help rebuild these nations? Immigrants of course.  Soon, immigrants from India, Pakistan, the African nations started arriving in droves to clean up the mess and assist in the financial cogs of London moving again.  Not only were they needed in the capital, it seems the manufacturing industry, which was Britain’s specialty, required a boost of manpower.  British passports were being issued to immigrants like free samples of food in a supermarket. 

Fast forward another sixty years and you enter the current era where getting a British passport has become such a difficult hurdle to jump.  But the country’s landscape has completely changed. More and more people emigrated abroad to countries like Spain and Canada whilst city and town centres noticeably started to become more “brown”.   Places like Southall, Green Street and “curry mile” started to become synonymous with Asians and Carribean Carnivals and Notting Hill festivals plus Camden Town became more famous for showing African culture.  As manufacturing in Britain ground to an almost halt, more “Asians” and people of other ethnicities moved to the cities to look for work and the white people moved out to get away from the wave of brown skin.

Immigration exploded and did get out of control as some areas became “no go” areas for white people.  The Oldham and Peckham riots were indicative of the friction which had started to come too close to the surface resulting in this odd culture “earthquake”.  Overt, face to face, racism disappeared almost completely only to go underground and fashioned as “ethnicity questionnaire” in job applications.  Mosques and gurdwara’s were erected whilst churches became emptier and abandoned.  Politically correct words were now introduced into vocabulary and nursery rhymes were no longer about “baa baa black sheep”.  I distinctly remember a BBC comedy called “Fawlty Towers” which my parents recorded in which an old resident (a frequent stayer at the clumsily-run B&B) said the word “wog” and it was shown on BBC without any problem.  Watching that scene made me flinch uncomfortably and I thanked the Lord that words like that are no longer said on TV anymore, even in a comedic situation!

As these demographic and sociological changes swept the country, the indigenous, white, union jack waving, 100% British people started to think that they were given a raw deal by the government.  These are people who have no means of moving out the country and won’t ever leave their homeland lest they are overtaken by hook wielding mullah’s incorporating Sharia Law into British Law.  The media, as ever, didn’t help either and they gave a platform to fundamentalist like Anjum Chaudry.  Soon enough, Polish people started to infiltrate the borders although legitimately using a EU passport.  This really irked the locals because the Polish were good at everything! Working hard, carpentry, mechanic, plumbing…all kinds of house jobs really.  They were willing to work for less pay and put in more hours.  It was bliss for local businessmen but a total slap in the face for the local people.

Personally, we must all remember that Allah (SWT) has provided us with this planet as our home, our place of rest and worship.  Borders and boundaries mean nothing to Allah (SWT) and where we earn our living or death is all up to Him.  Alhumdulilah. May He make all our Halal efforts worthwhile and aimed at pleasing Him. Ameen. 

Secondly, I used to get really angry when people used to denigrate immigrants and their ability to steal jobs but recently, I have seen that some of these issues are not so unreal or hurtful.  Some immigrants come to this country, but don’t know a word of the language, anything about the history of this country or its origin.  They live here for more than half of their lives here but still have nothing good to say about this place or all the naimaat that Allah (SWT) has provided them with.  Lastly, and most important of all, when immigrants receive a status here, they do rely very heavily on benefits which they get from because of the numerous children they have and that in a way is usurping a huge benefit that the government is providing you with.  They know that their country of origin would never allow such ample benefits to be given to them so they feed off this country’s and go back home to build huge mansions from such money. 

So now I have a very neutral outlook on immigration.  I do think things have gone out of hand completely and there does need to be a realistic cap on the numbers before anarchy breaks out.  Leave this country to those whose it is.  If I see a white person in an influential position in Pakistan, it makes me very angry, because I do think a local person would be best suited for the role (and would probably work harder as well), so you can just imagine what they think of when they look at us taking their jobs through “positive discrimination”- a great oxymoron if ever there was!

I think that if you live in this country having immigrated here, and you plan to stay for a long time (possibly life), it is important to integrate into this society up to a point which is acceptable to your religion/culture.  If you are planning on returning to your home country then criticizing the UK is reasonable but not to a point where you start offending others who have made this place their permanent residence. 

I wish you all success in whatever you pursue.  Ameen.   Read on and enjoy  life :D

xxx

Why do we love double standards?

In our culture, politics and everyday life double standards are prevalent in almost every avenue of our "desi" life.  For those of you who aren’t clued up on what double standards mean, an example is when a father tells her daughter to cover up from head to toe as a means of protecting the “honour” of his family but has no problem ogling at women or passing comments at them whenever he sees a pretty one.  The “double” aspect in double standards is that you have one standard for yourself to do as you please, one for another to do as you order, and they run together in this kind of strange parallel; avoiding each other but at times proving to be a source of great conflict.

There are many examples of double standards apart from the one I have given above.  The one that particularly irks me is that the men of our homes are allowed to have free reign on anything, going out anytime, returning home any time but the girls who are allowed to leave the house for education/work have to be home at a certain time.  I understand the whole reasoning behind it.  No matter how much we try and become more “open-minded”, people will always raise eyebrows if they see a girl coming home at all hours of the night or a girl who wears certain clothes which aren’t befitting to our culture.  It seems to be behavior that even Westerners indulge in.  If a woman wears tight clothes, reveals a lot and generally likes to party a lot she is (mistakenly) seen as a “loose” woman or an “easy” girl, even though she is just exercising her “freedom” and enjoying her life.  It seems that wherever you go in the world, double standards regarding women are subtle in some areas and blatant in others.  I mean, in the West, a woman can work, educate, go out, party, drink, have sex with strangers but she will be seen as a “slut” if she openly does this without shame.  But if a man was to behave in the same manner, he is applauded as some kind of hero to the masses.  Is this the equality feminists envisaged for themselves? It reeks of double standards!

Nowadays, the situation has changed somewhat. A woman has to act like she doesn’t give a crap if people call her a “slut” and the media now portrays rich women who indulge in hedonistic behavior as a kind of goal for other girls to copy. Examples? Well, Kim Kardashian (hardly a nun is she?), Paris Hilton – who actually made money from her sex tape! Pretty much the whole cast of Jersey Shore whose main raison d’etre is to party, get laid, go to the gym in a sick cycle and now ofcourse, our very own British version, Geordie Shore.  Then the media, government and concerned moms complain about an exponential rise in teenage pregnancy.  It reeks of double standards! The same media that glorifies all things “slutty” is the one that denigrates young girls who get pregnant.  How does that even make sense? It is the men who are in influential positions in the media who want to see us reveal our bodies and lower our inhibitions but see teenage mothers as a “burden” to the society because they produced children out of wedlock (shock! Horror!).  

I don’t know or really care how gora families cope with the concept of double standards, because I don’t live in that environment.  But I personally think it is a huge problem in our society and culture.  Even when visiting Pakistan, you see men ogling at women who dress in tight clothes or wear jeans but if their own sister or daughters dress that way then they either use force against her or bar her from setting foot outdoors.  It makes the woman even more rebellious or unresponsive to male authority. 

Another really frustrating double standard is how sons, who are supposed to be the breadwinners of the family (or husbands), are out on the streets doing all kinds of awara gardi while the girls of the family are working hard, educating themselves and earning money for the home.  Recently, I have seen more and more examples of this in Pakistan and it is very disturbing to witness.  Even more so when the son is allowed to sleep to all hours of the day, contributing nothing to the family home and still has his mother do his washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning for him. He then expects his wife to be exactly as his mother in the levels of servitude she provides him but he is still as useless after getting married; whereas his wife probably holds a degree or masters and finds herself doing housework for a very ungrateful husband, instead of having a career and salary as she was used to.

If my son (if Allah (SWT) bestows me with one) were to behave in this manner.  I would kick him out of his bed after 10:30 am and beat him senseless with my own hands.  Yea…I would.  I would not have a care in the world for his “feelings” or the gel in his hair.  For him to think for a second that he would have me making breakfast after he has been out all night clubbing or doing avara gardi with his friends, would be foolish.  I would make him get up, clean his room, make his bed, do his laundry and before any of this, I would make sure he has a job.  Then if he wants to go out of the home with his friends, I would make sure I get the names of each friend and their numbers (if not directly from my son, then secretly from his phone…ha ha …evil right?).  If he doesn’t come home by maximum 12:00 pm, his friends will be called and I would shout all kinds of expletives at them (because shouting at the son over the phone never works but shouting at his friends would scare them shitless!!). If he doesn’t have a good enough explanation, he will get beats through some sort of instrument of pain – wooden spoon usually but at nighttime might need to use the broom stick.  You might be shocked reading this…but why are you? Isn’t this how our parents would behave if the girl is going out? Don’t parents take extra effort to find out who their daughter is going out with? What is her friend’s address and number? Where are they going? (only restaurant-NO CINEMA), what time will they be back? Or more like what time they HAVE TO BE back? Daughters are always told “we know you won’t be bad if you go out, we just don’t trust the boys around you to be good”…I find that to be a reasonable suggestion albeit a little indicative of trust issues.  That is why I would beat my boy senseless.  Because I would say to him “I know you will be bad when you leave this home, that is why I am protecting the other daughters/sisters (even if non-Muslim!) that you will ogle at from your behavior”.  If he has half a brain, he would understand. I will seriously make the life of my son a living hell (maybe, that’s why I am not a mother…ha ha ha). 

I understand that Allah (SWT) has given men a higher status than women by ONE DEGREE (miniscule amount – relax all feminists out there!).  Men do have to go out and work and earn money for the family to thrive, but when did this equate to “You can stay out all night and f*** around all you want”?  If he is going out to work or education then he can go.  But if he is going out to fool around then you stay at home just like the daughter would. Bring your friends over, have a family game night, go for a walk with your dad…I mean would that kill some guys out there?

So all in all, we must end this passionate love affair we have with double standards, pronto! I, for one, have seen these applied in front of my eyes and it makes me feel repulsed.  Allah (SWT) knows best as to the best way of raising our children.  All we can hope is to do Dua that they turn out to be gems and not morons.  Again, this all comes down to how they are raised.  Hopefully, I can get both daughter and son and treat them with equality, but also explain to them that they were both created differently to do different things.  Boys to educate themselves, seek a career and settle down and for girls to educate themselves, seek a career, settle down and raise children appropriately.  Allah (SWT) knows best.

Keep smiling people and I hope you enjoyed today’s installment. 

Would love to read your comments!

How Hard is it to be an Asian Woman in today's society?

Very hard I guess.  Juggling a career, home, family life, work, education, kids, husband, in-laws cannot be an easy feat. Kudos to the women who do it seamlessly.  I really can't describe the amount of respect I have for such women.  

Living in an Asian community and wanting to do what your heart desires can usually cause quite a clash. It is accustomed in our society for women to stay at home after marriage and raise children. If they don't have children then help out with chores at home. Some women thrive in such a society and don't ever want to face the prospect of education and career. But others are screaming for a change within.  Especially if they had a successful career beforehand or pursued their education with rigor. Of course, things are now drastically changing. It has become somewhat impossible for some families to survive on single incomes alone which thrust some women out of the home without choice or say.  Also, men and in-laws are becoming more open-minded about things like having a career and raising children. 

If it is a fiscal necessity to work to put food on the table then you can't avoid it. But I am referring more to the women who can survive on a single income but still choose to work in order to put their years of education to better use.  Having children is not a hurdle for them.  They overcome many hurdles.  If they do leave their job because of children, they turn their attention to other skills that they can do at home or start their own businesses.  There is an architect on YouTube who now makes videos about wearing the Hijab and how to apply make up.  She has two children but never allowed that to be a dampener on her focus and ambition. You don't have to remain stagnant and pursue the same career for years (even after having children).  If your priorities change in life, find other outlets to pursue.  She is the best example of that.  A successful Muslim architect who gave it all up to become a full-time mum and now a regular favourite of millions of subscribers on YouTube.  I guess it all depends on how supportive your husband is as well.  At the end of the day, if he isn't going to agree to it then things can take a turn for the worse at home (especially if in-laws get involved too). 

As I am not a mother myself, I cannot relate to women who do leave their children to work. I can't imagine where they find the strength to do that. Some women are very lucky to have helpful and understanding employers who agree to tailor their working day around their children, but others are not so forthcoming.  InshALLAH if I do become a mother one day, I would focus all my energies and devote all time to raising that child purely because it is my duty, Islamically, to do so.  We all agree as women that we have the right to work, earn money, educate ourselves, but we also have a duty towards our children and husbands. Rights are usually always asked for by women but sometimes few fulfill their duties.  I know it is hard to raise children and they can be so ungrateful as they grow up.  But even if you are not working, at least you are educated enough (I hope!) to teach them the difference between right and wrong, manners, about Islam and other matters of importance.  You wouldn't want to just plop them in front of a TV and expect the TV to raise them. They might resent you very much about that later on in their teenage/adult life.  When they start going to school, then you can start looking for your step on the career ladder or go back to education to gain new skills that employers might want. 

I guess it is alot easier said than done and each and every family on this planet does things differently in their homes. What works for one might not work for the other.  I, personally, would start feeling suffocated if I was just a “mum” for the rest of my life.  Envisaging a life of making breakfast, dropping kids, making lunch, picking kids, doing homework/rest/play, dinner actually scares me to the bone. I feel that I have worked so hard in my life (during my education) and that I would like to put that hard work to good use.  Eventually, aren’t our children going to grow up, educate themselves, work and then leave the family home? So, why not give them a real working example of what it takes to pursue a career and raise a family.  I feel they would be very proud of me, but that pride would all stem from how I have raised them.

Allah (SWT) knows best about my future and I leave it all in His good Mercy. 

Sorry if my blog has been a bit wishy washy. I guess I don’t have the experience to put my point across.

Keep smiling and remaining positive people. Until next time!

x

Mother and Daughter in Law kitch pitch

This is a relationship that never works.  It is an age-old dilemma which is not limited to nation, culture, religion, caste or creed.  It is the one of mother in law and daughter in law.  Sure, there are a lucky few (I happen to be one of them!- sorry for rubbing it in!) who have a harmonious relationship with their mother in law but I do believe that it is as rare as finding gold, platinum and silver in one day.  You might be civil with each other but deep down there is a burning desire to cause serious damage to the other, physical or emotional! I mean, why else would Hollywood dedicate a whole movie to the concept of an embattled mother and daughter in law relationship? Because they know that women can relate to this (I am referring to Monster in Law- if you haven't seen it, rent it and watch it...Jane Fonda is hilarious in it and J-Lo is actually tolerable).

I have to be honest though, sometimes daughter in laws are too quick to jump on the bandwagon of criticising their mother in laws.  Some girls actually do go out of their way to make the lives of their mother in law a living hell. An acquaintance of ours, who is very elderly and lives alone, stated that her daughter-in-laws never come to see her. They found her to be a huge bore/burden. Her sons would come and meet her every Sunday with the kids, drop some shopping off, see if their mother was still alive and would just leave. One son in particular would just open the door, say hello and leave. It had been a long time since their father had died.  So, when the elderly lady decided to re-marry a widower, all hell broke loose among the sons.  They were all livid that their mother would even contemplate getting married again; a particular son made very vulgar comments to his own  mother because she wanted to get married.  All she said was "How often do you come to see your own mother?".She was lonely!  I am digressing now, but the point is that her own daughter in laws could not be bothered to come and visit their mother-in-law.  Why? She was elderly, she needed their help.  This was the same mother that held their husbands for nine months, gave birth, looked after, fed, clothed, washed their husbands, educated them to become successful doctors or engineers which gave them the ability to afford the cushy lives they were living.  They wouldn't want their own sons or daughters to behave that way with them then why do it to your mother-in-law? More importantly, it was sad the sons couldn't have enough sense to look after their own mother.  But you have to agree that it is the daughter-in-law's duty to remind her husband of his duty towards his mother.  They should have made an extra effort to include their mother in their lives rather than ousting her as some sort of burden.

I felt very sad for that lady when she told our story. As the tears rolled down her face, she said she found patience and calm in Islam and praying to Allah (SWT).  It was really the only strength in her life. Although her sons/bahu's had behaved reprehensibly towards her, she was still very happy because her second husband was kind and gentle towards her. They both completed each other very well.

This is just one example that I personally know of.  There are many others.  I find most of the time that daughter in laws behave reprehensibly towards their in-laws is because they don't like interference or being told what to do by an authority figure in the house. There is a clash of two big personalities.  While the wife tries to adjust to the new home by making changes around her, the mother in law prefers things to remain the way they are; to remain in her comfort zone.  Also, the mother in law notices changes in her son's behaviour which make her susceptible to demanding more time with him.  She notices that her son, instead of spending time with her as he used to, is being more attentive to his new wife.

The tension is perfectly understandable.  It can be hard for a mother to see her daughter married and leave the house but it can be even harder for a mother to see her son become more distant from her even when he is living in the same house.  Realising this can be hard for daughter in laws. She should try her hardest to maintain communication at all times with her MIL.  She should listen to her quietly even if she is saying something that you vehemently disagree  with.  As annoying and cliched as it sounds, patience and quiet servitude does pay off.

Now most of the time, the majority opinion seems to be that mother- in- laws are the ones in the wrong.  This can be seen in most Hollywood/Bollywood movies or comedies like Everybody Loves Raymond! How annoying was the MIL in that show?!? Also, let's not forget the numerous news reports of MIL's attempting to burn their DIL's alive, or beating them within an inch of their life (with the help of their sons) and either getting away with it, or being arrested and jailed.  There is a woman's-only jail in India dedicated to MIL's who have tried to harm their DIL's or actually killed them! That can scare a woman for life!

Of course, the difference in a MIL intent on killing her DIL and one that isn't is education, tolerance, acceptance and pure sanity! Some MIL's can be really vindictive because they went through the same experience when they got married. Or they have a very strong grip in their son's personality and can easily manipulate him by bringing on the waterworks when things go awry for them.  Because I am not a MIL myself, I really can't comment on why these women behave in this manner.  What possesses them to deprive their sons of happiness and peace in their home.  I guess, it's just a mother's warped way of preventing her offspring from abandoning her.  Personally, being a DIL myself, I actually side more with DIL's who go through difficult times with their in-laws, not because I agree with them, but because I don't know any better!

My MIL always gives me the best advice and is honest with me no matter what.  Also, she provides me with the Islamic viewpoint on everything I do in life, so I can keep personal sentiment aside and do what pleases Allah (SWT).  Girls, I am afraid, Islamically speaking, the mother trumps the wife (and rightly so!!).  Allah (SWT) has told his creation to be kind to their parents and to look after them in their old age and as we all know "Heaven lies in the Mother's feet".  Sure, a husband does have duties to his wife; but if his mother tells him to do something (even if the wife dislikes it) then he has to do it.  This doesn't mean that the MIL should get high on this new-found source of authority; but should instead, take everyone's views into consideration (including the DIL's) and then do what is just.  Also, she shouldn't make fabrications about her DIL's behaviour and fill her son's head with them because lies of any kind are strictly forbidden.  Also, if she has an issue with her DIL, rather then go behind her back and discuss it with the whole neighbourhood, she should just confront her DIL and tell her directly, because backbiting of any kind is strictly forbidden.

I know it's early days in my marriage but my MIL and I have a very close relationship. That's because I don't like to gossip about others and neither does she.  Although many visitors try to coax any kind of detail out of her about her relationship with me, she keeps everything very tight-lipped and never divulges what goes on in her home.  I think our relationship works because my MIL is a very God-fearing woman. She does not care for the worldly life or the glitter/glamour it has to offer.  For this reason, she knows very well how to behave towards other people because she fears Allah (SWT) if she does things wrong.  Additionally, she is a very fair and just woman who will always favour justice over blood, even if it means upsetting her loved ones. She ensures everyone in the house is happy, comfortable, fed and spends an equal amount of time with everyone.  If she doesn't like the way I dress or if I do something which she doesn't like, she very calmly explains to me the Islamic method of dress and behaviour; but she never does it in a condescending manner and I don't come out feeling stupid but better from the experience.  I actually lived without her for about 9 months! but I did miss her a lot during that time. Her opinion and say in my life actually means a lot to me.

The point is that how you treat people is how they will treat you back.  If you show them respect and love then they will (eventually) warm to you.  Everyone on this planet is different and we should try and harbour and support relationships that generally have a bad reputation rather than denigrate them even more.  Sometimes I find, gossiping aunties usually like to add fuel to the fire by poking fun at bitter MIL's about how "modern" their DIL or how "rude" they are; which in turn makes these MIL's angrier and more bitter.  The key is to expunge such people from your life completely. Most of these aunties have a similar hellish situation at home or have evil DIL's, but want everyone to experience their pain by spreading rumors, gossiping, backstabbing and backbiting profusely.  They wish to spread Hellfire wherever they go. It is a very dangerous sin and one that is done so often.

To conclude, life is short, don't shorten it more by giving yourself blood pressure because of the antics of your MIL/DIL. Fear Allah about anything/anyone else (including MIL!! lol) and always remember that justice will be done for those who remain patient.

Now, I know some of you are thinking, "well what about sister-in-laws?" well....that my friends, is going to be a topic for another day...

Wishing all new brides the best of luck for the future! Keep smiling and remaining positive!

Shaadi Shaadi is a waste of time

Playing the game "Shaadi Shaadi" as a child was a complete waste of time! My goodness! How much time did I waste thinking about my dress, my shoes, my make up and all the other glitzy glamorous things which would come my way if only I got married.  This warped belief followed me into my teens and well into my adult years because I genuinenly believed that marriage would validate me as a human and within my community.  The really sad thing is that having achieved and worked so hard through my life, gone to law school, almost qualified as a Barrister, my parents had other plans for me.  They wanted me to continue achieving instead of focusing on marriage.  However, I always felt differently.  I was a woman obsessed with the glitz and glamour of Shaadi and went looking for a bandwagon to jump into!

Don't get me wrong, I am a very lucky woman (Alhumdulilah - by the grace of Allah), I was blessed with a wonderful husband.  He went to extreme lengths to bring me into his life (travelled all the way from lovely Canada to England to ask for my hand in marriage! - not to mention the gifts that he showered me with after I said "yes").  I absolutely loved him - and still do.  However, I have to admit, as a Muslim woman who is seriously stubborn and used to getting her way, marriage is extremely hard work. 

And then I was engaged! I was getting married! YES! It was actually happening! All that I had been planning and waiting for in my life was coming true! I was spending an extraordinarily ridiculous time on prepping and planning for this wedding.  The venue, the designer, the wedding planner, the photographer, the florist, the make up parlour all had to be "exclusive" and "original" which basically translated to "expensive" and "a waste of money".  I actually dedicated a whole file to the wedding which was neatly organised into labels of "Wedding Designer", "Planner" and "Photographer" respectively.  I was nitpicking at every single detail and wanted every detail to be just perfect.  The amount of trouble I gave to my parents in the run up to the wedding was just shameful; it reached such a fever pitch that my mother was counting down the days until the marriage came so I would stop annoying her about "the wedding planner isn't putting fresh flowers on my stage, or the wedding designer HAS to be from Lahore". 

Throughout the preps my mother kept warning me "Your wedding is just a day, your marriage is for a lifetime" which bothered me as a dull headache.  I wasn't really interested in hearing this when I had to buy matching shoes for my 50 bridal trousseau suits.  I just wanted everything to be perfect but had not done anything to prepare myself for the ultimate shock to the system:  reality!

So the big day came and went, nearly trouble-free, but executed beautifully.  When all the fanfare, pomp and glory faded I was like "well what now?"  and started twiddling my thumbs with boredom.  I had heard all the various horror stories of living with in-laws and the various exaggerated manifestations of a daughter and mother in law relationship.  However, Alhumdulilah, I was blessed with the most wonderful mother in law who was more like a friend rather than an adversary.  She didn't have this odd obsession of interfering in every aspect of my life or commenting negatively about all that I did.  She was very accepting and warm towards me.  


However, life had changed drastically. I was in a new country, new house, new family, new phone number, new address, new new new.  It was meant to be exciting and "rosy" but I couldn't help feeling suffocated and nervous.  There was a side in me that just wanted to find the nearest exit sign and run.  I really felt like I should have listened to my parents and continued with my education or just stayed in the confines of "normality".  I was severely homesick and started isolating myself from my sister- in - law and husband.  Obviously, this took a huge toll on our relationship but I just was not ready to become the "Martha Stewart" wife. I wanted to enjoy my life; go out, experience new things, enjoy myself instead of being cooped up at home and learning a new dish.


As this started taking its toll on my health, I started to remember what my mother used to tell me regarding marriage and realised that no one would change to accept me into their life. I would have to change to accept them into my life. By "them" I mean my in-laws. As this realisation dawned on me, I started to change my attitude towards my husband and his family.  The more I opened up and relaxed I became, the friendlier everyone was around me.  Additionally, my husband started realising that I did make positive changes and he started behaving warmly around me.  In under a year, we moved out from the family home and have started to build a life for ourselves. My patience and good manners paid off! I was so happy but tried my best to hide my happiness :D


My mother was always right (as ever!!). In order to start living your married life in a positive way, the trick is to remain positive, optimistic and make changes to your life. If you just remain PATIENT, love your life, always remember the silver lining to the cloud and keep your priorities right then you will have no problem in your married life.  Oh and learning to cook also comes in handy!


I wish all brides to be the very best of luck in their new life! Keep loving life!